Relieved.

I am totally relieved today. I attend kasi sa church kanina na ngayon, ngayon lang nanaman ako nagsimba.I feel heavy inside me, that's why I decided to attend. At tamang tama, It was all about mother ang tinalakay ni father. Lately nagkaroon ako ng sama ng loob sa mama ko. And talagang na-absorb ko lahat ng sinabi ni father. Ngayon okay na yung pakiramdam ko. They will always be our mother no matter what happened. :)

Job Fair

Aug.5,2010- My first ever experienced to attend a job fair. Desidido ako na pupunta kaso hindi ko naman alam kung paano magpa alam sa kanila. Kasi for sure aasa nanaman sila na i will get kaagad ng trabaho at ayaw ko lang na ma disappoint sila. Until dumating ang araw na yun, lumabas ako without them knowing. Natroma na ata akong magpa alam sa kanila eh.

Well, job fair is nakaka kaba, nakaka excite, nakakalito, at masaya. Nakikita ko yung date, nakakasabayan ko lang sa jeep, ngayon pare-pareho na kami na pilit bumabangon at ipagpatuloy ang buhay.

Why I'm Sad

Namiss ko na maging masaya. Namimis kona mga kaibigan ko. Nahihirapan na ako sa ganitong environment. Namimis ko na yung mga araw na pweding maging ako lang. Ang hirap huminga, ang sarap ng dibdib ko, parang ang dami daming gusting lumabas na damdamin. Mga damdamin na naipon, nagtago at pilit inignore. Is this the life I want to lift up sakanya? Hindi. Ayaw ko to, full of pretending. Ang hirap hirap na.

Parang ngayon, no one understands me. I really miss my friends who treat me family. Date, pwedi akong mag-ingay, dumaldal,patawanin sila, magtrip one to sawa. Ngayon, I turned into another half of me the serious shyboy with a poker face.

Minsan, dinadaan ko nalang sa mga bagay na material. Binili ko kasi gusto ko, kasi eto yung nararamdaman ko, eto yung gusto ko. Parang in this way ko nalang nasusunod yung gusto ko eh. Sana pati nararamdaman nabibili nalang. Yung pupurihin ka kasi bagay sayo, kasi maganda, kase branded. Yun bang, babayaran mo nalang para intindihin ka. Sana may ganon. Kaya minsan, when I bought something about my self and my mom will like it, I’m definitely happy and proud. It’s just that I just did a right decision. But most of the time, she don’t like. Even so, I still buy; it’s my money after all.

Kaya nahihiarapan akong magdesisyon minsan, iniisip ko kung magugustuhan niya o hindi. Lahat ng ginagawa ko, iniisip ko siya, sila, my family.

Behind My Pressure

Naranasan mo na ba yung mas higit pa sa over pressured? Na nagiging miserable na ang buhay mo dahil sa pressured kana masyado? Well, kasi just recently happened to me.

Si mama na yung nagpupush trough na magtrabaho na ako.Yung something I would be busy of and to help them as well financially. She was scolding me like a child, like I was not thinking, like I don't have any plans. She was even comparing me to others. And it hurts me, I really felt broken that time. What bad is that she can't see what inside me, she didn't bother what are my plans and my feelings . I wish she treated me in a nice way, talk to me with full understanding. She confronted with me anger, how can I defend my self again?If I know her mindset are close? I was speechless. I feel dumb. Nanliit na ako masyado sa sarili ko. Sinisisi ko sarili ko, na I was such a stupid. I felt sorry to myself, to her as well.

She never heard how eager I am to have a job. Well the fact is, I was searching and already passed some resumes to I think I was suitable for.Masyado kasi siyang nagmamadali. Gusto niya meron na agad. Hindi ko naman masabi na "Ma, sorry. Kasi wala pa akong trabaho.Pero ginagawa ko naman lahat para my puntahan ako e." She was expecting too much from me and now I'm too much pressured too.

And then one time, she notice one of my classmates on a photo/printing studio working.

That classmate was actually one of my best friends. She text me saying they have conversation with my mom. Something excitement rushed through my veins then asked her of what does mom said. Then she answered, “hala ka, maghanap ka na daw ng trabaho mo.” –And yes, I was correct with my prediction. She will going to down me with other people. And from that I was trembled. Asking her again, forcing her and all that to say it in full detailed of what my mom exactly said. Somehow, I know Mellen noticed how greedy I am with her answer and did try to avoid those questions. Until she speaks up;

“Hindi ka daw lumalabas para maghanap ng trabahho.”

“sabi ko naman, makakahanap ka din lalo na pag natapos na natin yung thesis”

-Hindi ko na pinapaalam na maghahanap ako kasi alam ko, kung hindi siya koontra, sasabihin niyang manonood ako ng sine with my friends. Iba parin ang paniniwalaan niya. Excited pa naman din ang mga mata ko sa pagpapa-alam pero iba na pag nakapag paalam na ako. Maluha luhang mata na, may kasama na ding “hindi na ata ako pupunta”

-Nung binangit yung thesis, alam ko na yung mga next na sasabihin ng mama ko. “Thesis, thesis, kahit huwag niyo na yang tapusin, hindi ka rin lang naman maghahanap ng trabaho eh. Ado lang amamin ketdi!Kahit huwag mu ng makuha yang diploma mo!” –It broke me when I heard those words from her. I’m crying inside me. And yes It was true,sinabi daw niya yan kay Mellen. Jan ako naiyak eh. July 24 nun. Lalo pa nung sinabi ni Mellen na “para ka naman ng tinatakwil ng mama mo, parang hindi ko rin matanggap yun.Ganyan din si mama noon, pero mabait si mama, basta kasama kita.” I really cried. I can’t help but cry and cry. Its okay for me to address that in front of me but with other person? It hurts hearing my mom saying those words. Tssssssss. I know I am a disappointment pero bakit pa kailangangang ganon? Maliitin ako sa ibang tao.

Hangang sa hindi na ako makatigin ng diretso kay mama. Nahihiya na ako sakanya. Kung kami pa sana ni….maglalayas talaga ako. Oo yun na yung nasa utak ko noon, ang lumayas nalang. Nung nasa tric kami, guso kong taningin si papa kung bakit ganon si mama, na parang hindi niya narerealize yung worth ko. Nagttrabaho ako sa studio. Lahat naman ginagawa ko para makatulong eh pero bat ganon. Wala I don’t have brave hearth to spoke within me. Hangang sa bawat umaga, wala akong iniisip kundi trabaho. Sana sa next na pag gising ko, may trabaho na ako, sana kung wala pa akong trabaho, hindi muna ako magigising. Okey lang sa akin pag matagalan, kesa araw araw akong papatayin at ipamuka sa akin na wala akong kwenta.

Naingit na din ako sa iba na may mga trabaho na.Minsan din, nagtatago na ako kapag my mga kakilala si mama a pag-uusapan mga anak nila, dahil alam ko, ikakahiya lang ako. Graduate nga, wala naming trabaho.

Ang hirap pala ng ganito.Yung problemado ka tapos angdaming nakapaligid sayo pero ni isa, wala kang kakampi. Walang gusting umintdi. Walang gustong tumulong. Wala kang aasahan kundi sarili mo lang.