Behind My Pressure

Naranasan mo na ba yung mas higit pa sa over pressured? Na nagiging miserable na ang buhay mo dahil sa pressured kana masyado? Well, kasi just recently happened to me.

Si mama na yung nagpupush trough na magtrabaho na ako.Yung something I would be busy of and to help them as well financially. She was scolding me like a child, like I was not thinking, like I don't have any plans. She was even comparing me to others. And it hurts me, I really felt broken that time. What bad is that she can't see what inside me, she didn't bother what are my plans and my feelings . I wish she treated me in a nice way, talk to me with full understanding. She confronted with me anger, how can I defend my self again?If I know her mindset are close? I was speechless. I feel dumb. Nanliit na ako masyado sa sarili ko. Sinisisi ko sarili ko, na I was such a stupid. I felt sorry to myself, to her as well.

She never heard how eager I am to have a job. Well the fact is, I was searching and already passed some resumes to I think I was suitable for.Masyado kasi siyang nagmamadali. Gusto niya meron na agad. Hindi ko naman masabi na "Ma, sorry. Kasi wala pa akong trabaho.Pero ginagawa ko naman lahat para my puntahan ako e." She was expecting too much from me and now I'm too much pressured too.

And then one time, she notice one of my classmates on a photo/printing studio working.

That classmate was actually one of my best friends. She text me saying they have conversation with my mom. Something excitement rushed through my veins then asked her of what does mom said. Then she answered, “hala ka, maghanap ka na daw ng trabaho mo.” –And yes, I was correct with my prediction. She will going to down me with other people. And from that I was trembled. Asking her again, forcing her and all that to say it in full detailed of what my mom exactly said. Somehow, I know Mellen noticed how greedy I am with her answer and did try to avoid those questions. Until she speaks up;

“Hindi ka daw lumalabas para maghanap ng trabahho.”

“sabi ko naman, makakahanap ka din lalo na pag natapos na natin yung thesis”

-Hindi ko na pinapaalam na maghahanap ako kasi alam ko, kung hindi siya koontra, sasabihin niyang manonood ako ng sine with my friends. Iba parin ang paniniwalaan niya. Excited pa naman din ang mga mata ko sa pagpapa-alam pero iba na pag nakapag paalam na ako. Maluha luhang mata na, may kasama na ding “hindi na ata ako pupunta”

-Nung binangit yung thesis, alam ko na yung mga next na sasabihin ng mama ko. “Thesis, thesis, kahit huwag niyo na yang tapusin, hindi ka rin lang naman maghahanap ng trabaho eh. Ado lang amamin ketdi!Kahit huwag mu ng makuha yang diploma mo!” –It broke me when I heard those words from her. I’m crying inside me. And yes It was true,sinabi daw niya yan kay Mellen. Jan ako naiyak eh. July 24 nun. Lalo pa nung sinabi ni Mellen na “para ka naman ng tinatakwil ng mama mo, parang hindi ko rin matanggap yun.Ganyan din si mama noon, pero mabait si mama, basta kasama kita.” I really cried. I can’t help but cry and cry. Its okay for me to address that in front of me but with other person? It hurts hearing my mom saying those words. Tssssssss. I know I am a disappointment pero bakit pa kailangangang ganon? Maliitin ako sa ibang tao.

Hangang sa hindi na ako makatigin ng diretso kay mama. Nahihiya na ako sakanya. Kung kami pa sana ni….maglalayas talaga ako. Oo yun na yung nasa utak ko noon, ang lumayas nalang. Nung nasa tric kami, guso kong taningin si papa kung bakit ganon si mama, na parang hindi niya narerealize yung worth ko. Nagttrabaho ako sa studio. Lahat naman ginagawa ko para makatulong eh pero bat ganon. Wala I don’t have brave hearth to spoke within me. Hangang sa bawat umaga, wala akong iniisip kundi trabaho. Sana sa next na pag gising ko, may trabaho na ako, sana kung wala pa akong trabaho, hindi muna ako magigising. Okey lang sa akin pag matagalan, kesa araw araw akong papatayin at ipamuka sa akin na wala akong kwenta.

Naingit na din ako sa iba na may mga trabaho na.Minsan din, nagtatago na ako kapag my mga kakilala si mama a pag-uusapan mga anak nila, dahil alam ko, ikakahiya lang ako. Graduate nga, wala naming trabaho.

Ang hirap pala ng ganito.Yung problemado ka tapos angdaming nakapaligid sayo pero ni isa, wala kang kakampi. Walang gusting umintdi. Walang gustong tumulong. Wala kang aasahan kundi sarili mo lang.