Pretentions

Ang hirap hirap na. Im in the point of being clueless of who I am.Hindi ko na alam kung ano yung dapat kong maramdaman, kung ano yung gusto kong ipakita. Alam niyo yun, ang hirap hirap i-please ang sarili ko na gawin ang isang bagay lalo na kung hindi ko naman ginagawa dati at may mga tao na makakakita. (haha! oo takot ako sa tao and yes I maybe a loner one, pero ayaw ko din)Parang there is hesitation palagi inside me.Na parang I have to think pa kung tama yung gagawin ko, kung sasang ayon si mama sa gagawin ko, I always mind other people.

I'm tired of pretending already. I pretend okay even if Im not. I pretend what they expect me to be. I pretend just to make things easy and now, I feel uneasy. I can't be myself anymore (pero I know, it's not yet the end.)

I can't show to them when I'm angry, when I'm happy, when I feel sad, when I feel depressed.That's why sometimes, I envy people who are very expressive to their selves. Siguro somehow, alam naman nila na galit ako (kasi mahirap talaga magpretend pag galit )pero when anyone confront me if what's the problem all about, I refuse to talk and keep it in my self. I just want to keep it inside me. Kahit may mga times na masama yung loob ko sa kaibigan ko, pero sige I pretend parin and yes I have to admit that sometimes I become plastic one.

I'am so much true when I'm with my friends. Pero not all the time. May mga bagay na, nakikita na nila pero when they confront me and ask this, that, I used to avoid. I dunno but It's so hard for me to tell the truth. Parang for me, what you see is what you get.

Sana matutunan kong maging totoo sa aking sarili. Kahit wala man akong kasama na maaaring magpalakas ng loob, I know I can do it with the help of God. I just have to begin right now.

Actually, I seek this to him na nahihirapan na ako talaga. It's just amazing that when I seek to him, I feel relieved and parang nalalaman ko din yung mga sagot sa tanong ko.